Shamanistic Secrets

SO! glad you managed to finally get it on here.
after the internet went all gay on you and everything.

i LOVE this!

kinda reminds me a tad of drop dead fred..
but a bit more..
schitzo.
lol

its amazing.
i love it.

xxx

i thought that after I read it back.
it really wasnt supposed to! LOL

it was supposed to be everything's julians not. the alter ego.
Julians all quiet and lovely
Eddie's all loud and annoying and thinks with his dick.

jdloserrr wrote:

SO! glad you managed to finally get it on here.
after the internet went all gay on you and everything.

i LOVE this!

kinda reminds me a tad of drop dead fred..
but a bit more..
schitzo.
lol

its amazing.
i love it.

xxx

when i was readin it is made me think of drop dead fred aswell

Title: Charmed, I'm Sure.
Pairing: Julia(n)/Noelian/Noelia
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings: Violence. Strong Language. Character Death.


Eight: I Don't Stop You Breaking My Heart And Dropping Me, Dropping Me Down.

Julia sat down, waiting for an answer from Julian.
Tell her what you did.
He sighed. "Julia, I slept with someone else."
Julia looked down at her hands on the kitchen counter. "Slept with as in..?"
"Slept with as in fucked, slept with as in had sex with, slept with as in ruined everything. Happy?"
Julia looked up at him with tearful angry eyes.
"But before you hit me, let me finish."
"Who was she?"
Julian cleared his throat. Tell her. "She was.. Noel."
"Noel?! Noel Fielding, Noel?!"
Julian nodded. "But... I ran away earlier because he called-
"Oh right, so you're available for booty calls now?"
"Please dont interupt! He called, he was in trouble. So I went.." Julian let a tear fall from his eye. Dont cry you're a grown man for fucks sake! Come on Kid. Pull yourself together! "Someone stabbed him Julia, he was alive for 15 minutes and I watched him die."
"Dont tell me that when mad at you!"
"The police turned up with the ambulance, and they think I did it!"
"Did you?"
"NO!"
She thinks you did it Kid. I knew a girl like her couldn't love someone like you.
Julian turned on his heel and held his hands over his eyes. "Shut up!"
Oh dear Julian, she doesnt know I'm here, now you look REALLY crazy!
"Stop it!"
SILENCE IN THE COURT the judge is dead! Somebody trumped and blew off his head!
"No."
SILENCE IN THE COURTYARD! SILENCE IN THE STREET. The biggest twit in england is just about to speak.. Starting frooooooooooooooooom...
"Please dont do this!"
"Julian, what's happening?" Julia started to panic,
Now.
"Do you know what he did?" Julian asked, turning to face her, speaking in a voice that wasn't his own. "Little baby Julian all on his own, he didnt have many friends, or at least thats what he thought, all those hundreds of years ago." He twisted his fingers around eachother. "He thought him up, he thought me up. Edward. But what little Julian didn't know was Edward had a split personality too. I was nice to Julian and said things that made him smile. But Eddie was mean. Mummy told Daddy that imaginary friends were normal at his age, I wonder if she thinks the same now. Julian made Eddie go away. But he's still in here." He tapped his finger on his forehead.
"Julian wh-"
"Julian's gone to beddy-bies! But he sends you all his love."
The front door burst open, and 3 policemen stormed in, grabbing Julian's arms and clapping his wrists in handcuffs.
"He didnt kill anybody." Julian blinked. SILENCE IN THE COURT the judge is dead! Somebody trumped and blew off his head! "I'm so sorry." He said to Julia in his own voice.
"You have the right to remain silent."
"No hang on!" Julia snapped. "Julian doesnt have the right to remain silent he does that naturally!"
"Anything you do say can and will be given as evidence in a court of law."
He shook his head. "I didn't kill him." He promised as they took him away.
Julia started crying. "I believe you."

Awwww poor Julian
another amazin part to the story

Title: Charmed, I'm Sure.
Pairing: Julia(n)/Noelian/Noelia
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings:


Nine: Remember This?


"The quicker you admit it, the quicker we can get this over with." They told him. "Why are you on the run if you didnt do anything?"
Julian smiled broadly. "I'm not on the run." He wanted to laugh at their stupidity.
The taller inspector of the two leant forward, resting his knuckles on the table. "You seem awfully calm, if you dont mind me saying, for someone whos going to spend the next 15 years sucking unwashed dick."
A grin parted Julian's lips and he quick wittedly replied. "You seem awfully jealous, if you dont mind me saying."
The short plump man slammed his hand on the table making him jump first and laugh second.
"You think this is funny?!"
"Clearly."
"One man, brutally murdered, your friend. Your best friend and you're laughing?!"
He cocked his head, a charming half smile on his perfect face.
"Think your some sort of dandy maverick?"
"Charmed, I'm sure." He laughed.
"Your nothing but a psychopath!"
He sat back in his chair and looked at the mans hampster face, chubby around the cheeks with a gut to match. Danny DeVito. "Schitzophrenic. Bipolar. Paranoid. Manic.. Call it what you like. Julian Barratt... That's all I'll ever be." The next sentence he said with a lighthearted smile, which chilled the inspectors to the bone. He said, so calmly, so sure.. "And I didnt kill anybody."

i second that it is WOW

Title: Charmed, I'm Sure.
Pairing: Julia(n)/Noelian
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings:


Ten: The End- Come One, Come All.


Julian spent 2 years in a clinic fighting his illness, trying to get better. It was slow, but steady, and on June 24th he got sent home.

"Hello?" Julian called, as he walked into the house.
It seemed to bright and cheery, he didnt remember it ever being this bright at all. The window was open and the sun was heating up the living room, the soft summery breeze blowing the thin white curtains. It wasn't until after spending 2 years in a health clinic he realised; "This house is too white." He mumbled. "Who are you? Morgan Freeman?"
Julia came bounding down the stairs. "I hope you two arent playing up!" She called. She stopped bounding when she saw Julian stood in the door, looking fresh and more radiant than she'd ever seen him.
He smiled and dropped his bag on the floor. "I'm home." He said, as if that wasn't obvious enough.
She started crying and ran at him, jumping and wrapping her legs around his waist, she hugged him tightly. "Urgh! God I missed you!!" She sobbed in his ear.
"I can tell." Julian giggled.
Julia dropped down and kissed him passionately. "What happened?" She asked, kissing him between words too.
"Well-" He recieved another peck. "They said something in my brain was... defunked or something. They gave me pills stop it from being agressive-" Julia kissed him again, part of him thought she was ready to strip him down and ride him like a mighty lady jockey, front door still open, kids wandering in and out and everything. "- The police dropped the charges.. Dee confessed."
"I know." Julia burried her face in his neck, she'd missed that smell.
Walter and Arthur walked into the hall slowly, holding hands.
"Daddy?" Walter asked.
Julia stepped out of the way.
"Well look at you!" Julian beamed, getting slightly choked up and teary eyed as he picked them both up. "You two are getting so huge, you should be picking me up!"
They giggled.
"I missed you." Julian sighed. "All off you."
"We missed you too Daddy, but did you have a good holiday?" Arthur asked, starting to play with Julian's earlobe as he often did.
Julian laughed slightly. "Er.. Yeah I did."
"There's someone else who wants to see you." Julia told him.
He put the twins down. "It's not my mother is it? I really dont wanna deal with her right-" Julian looked up.
Stood in the sunlight, with that perfected hair and chizzled features.
Julian started crying and grabbed the edge of the door incase he fell over.
"Come on boys, let's go play in the garden." Julia said, ushering the twins out of the way.
"That's evil!" Julian shook his head.
Noel Fielding smiled. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Dont!" Julian burst into tears.
"Hey." Noel laughed, walking to him and embracing him comfortingly. "It's okay. I'm here now."
"I thought I'd lost you! I thought you were dead"
"Technically I was. They gave me a transfusion.. Apparently I rejected a few of them cause of 'ole Larry liver in there. But I'm okay now though. I am. How are you?"
Julian nodded. "I'm okay.. I'm okay." He wiped his face.
"You sure?"
Julian laughed. "Just a shock.. 2 years after going mental cause you died, I wasn't expecting you to just pop back! How are you about Dee? I mean... You know.."
Noel shrugged. "We could've been like you and Julia. We could have had something special.. But she was on crazy fucking bitch."
Julian laughed again.
"I missed you." Noel nodded.
Julian sighed. "I missed you too.. So much... Are you gonna stay for their birthday tomorrow?"
"Oh, listen I dunno. I mean I'd love to but family an' all."
"Who says your not? Please Noel, I want you to.. The twins love you, they'd be happy to see you on their birthday."
Noel smiled. "Yeah.. Okay."
"I hope you've been looking after Julia while I was away."
Noel grinned mischievously and raised his eyebrows.
Julian wasn't impressed.
"Sorry. I'm joking. She was too proud, she would not have me!"
"She tends to not stray into areas so knows nothing about."
"What are you implying, Barratt?"
"Well your like Iraq aren't you? Everyone know's where it is but no bugger wants to go there."
Noel's jaw fell in a giggle. "Cheeky cunt!"



Fin.

OMG OMG

Noel is still alive

this is so awesome

whoooop

this is now over.

that was the end.

that was one amazin story

its an amazin story

didnt want it too end

(':
actually love you so god damn much.
you always manage to make my day.
that story was uuuuuuuuuuuuhMAZING!!!

yaay for noel being alive.
yaay for julian getting better.
yaay for you being super great! (:

:'D
xxxxxxxxxxxx

i got all excited at the end of the story when Julian walked in and
findin out Noel was okay

Title: I Am Terrified.
Pairing: Nove (Noel/Dave)
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings: Drug use. Drug Addiction. Strong language.


One: All The Better To Eat You With.

Noel Fielding didn't do much with himself these days. It'd been a bad year, and he had resorted to drug taking.
Cocaine mainly, which is why he spent most of his days hid away in his bedroom because psychosis had kicked in.
Russell Brand had taken time out of his ever so busy schedule to come and be.. A mentor. As requested by Dave Brown.

"Come on mate." Russell tried pulling the duvet down again, but Noel had a firm grip. "Get out of bed."
"Get away from me!" Noel snapped. "I dont want to!"
"Why not?"
"Because they're out to get me!!"
Russell sighed. "Noel Fielding, there is no one out to get you. I've been there mate, I know what you oughtta do, an' tha's get your bum out of bed!"
Noel didnt respond. He just shifted his leg to a more comfortable position.
"Bollo's worried about you." Russell informed. "He loves you ever so dearly, you know that don'cha?" When Russell didnt get a response, he continued. "But... It's 'ard for him, to... Convince 'imself of such emotions when you are... Destroying yourself in this manner."
"Who are you, fucking Ghandi?"
Russell sighed. "No Noel. But I am 'ere to help you in your turbulant times. You are a man of sunshine and simple pleasures like crisp sandwiches, and should not be endorcing himself in such things as cocaine and alcohol."
"Hypocrit!" Noel errupted from the bedsheets.
"You know full bloody well I am clean as a whistle Noel Fielding. I'm 'ere to help! And if you're not going to cooperate then I'm going to have to do it the hard way."
"Which is?"
Russell straddled Noel's hips and yanked down the duvet, revealing Noel's clammy tearstained face and junkie eyes. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED NOW!" Russell screamed in his face.
Noel tried to bury himself into the pillow to avoid Russell's agressive outburst, but it was no use.
"GET OUT OF BED OR I'LL SPUNK UP IN YOUR FACE!"
It was a risk Noel was willing to take. He did not budge.
"Right." Russell unzipped his fly.
"No!" Noel jumped out of bed and suddenly the high hit in, he forgot to find his feet and fell flat on his face.
Russell zipped himself up again and climbed off the bed. "There aint that much wrong with my genitals Noel, that was a slight overreaction." Russell helped him up.
Noel fell into Russell's chest a shaking, emotional wreck, desperate for his next fix.
"I know it's 'ard mate." Russell soothed. "I aint gonna force you off drugs cause I know that wont work. I'm gonna go now alright? Promise me you'll have a shower and get something to eat Noel. Please?"
Noel nodded.
"Alright. Thank you. I'm gonna go and talk to Dave, then I'll be off. You've got my number. I want you to ring me if you need me."
Noel nodded again and went in his bedside drawer and pulled out a baggy, a mirror and a blade, sniffing and rubbing his face in desperation as he did it.
"Look at me Noel." Russell said.
Noel turned around.
"You are a beautiful, spiritual being. You bring laughter and 'appiness to the world. And you are beautiful Noel. And I loves you. So does Dave." He pointed to the mirror in Noel's hand. "Remember that."
Noel nodded.
"Hare Krishna Noel Fielding. All my love." At that Russell walked out, leaving a refreshing buzz of light in the room.
He walked downstairs like the graceful gentleman he was, and joined Dave in the kitchen.
Dave was once sitting down, but seeing Russell he shot up out of his stool and made his bad knee twinge. But he didnt seem to care about the sudden rush of pain. "How is he?" Dave asked, panicked, as if he was asking a Doctor how surgery went.
Russell sighed. "He's just powdering his nose-"
Dave let out a sigh as if he was going to burst into tears.
"-BUT! But! He has promised he'll take a shower and come down and eat something."
"Russell could you do us a favour?"
"Anythin' Bollo."
"You think you could... Stay nearby?"
Russell smiled a friendly smile and nodded. "Of course I will."

*

Dave walked into the living room, having come back from the shop to buy bread and milk, and saw Noel sat with his feet up on the sofa eating crackers and jam. All the curtains were shut.
"Hey." Dave smiled. "You're up."
Noel nodded. "There was no bread." He explained with a mouthful of cracker.
"I know, sorry thats where I've been. How long have you been up?"
Noel looked up at him for the first time. "Not long. I managed to have a shower though."
"Thats good. That's good. You're feeling alright today then?"
Noel shrugged. "I've been better."
"Noel? Why are all the curtains shut?"
Noel sniffed and looked back down at his plate of crackers. "Because I know they're out there Dave and dont try and deny it."
Dave sighed. "Okay I'm sorry."
"That's alright." Noel nodded. "I wrote another poem today." Noel pointed to the wall.
Pink bubblegum sticks out like a sore thumb on the bottom of my black heel.
Like a tiny little face on a huge head of hair.
And sometimes, it scares me, when I wish I could read your mind.
But it doesnt scare me half as much as when I imagine a riot of preying mantis in my hair.
They have big eyes,
All up in your shit, like that wolf in Red Riding Hood.
"All the better to eat you with."
Dave grunted. "Noel what have I told you about writing on the walls?"
"But they were in my hair. Hundreds of them!" He started freaking out and dropped the plate on the floor, then held a shaking hand over his eyes.
"Alright." Dave soothed, sitting beside him. "You're alright."
"I'm not Dave! I'm fucking not!!" He shot up and head for the stairs.
"Where are you going?! Noel?! NOEL!"

nawwww!
NOEL!

davedavenoelnoeldaveNOVE!!! :'D
ima love you more for this! (':
hahah


xxxxx

Awwwwww

pooor Noel

another awesome story

Title: I Am Terrified.
Pairing: Nove (Noel/Dave)
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings: Drug use. Drug Addiction. Strong language.


Two: We're All Wasting Away.

Noel had been in the kitchen screaming the place down for the best part of 40 minutes. Dave had tried so desperately to ignore him, as Russell had said.
Desperatly, Dave had text him saying Noel wont stop screaming, and I dont know what to do! x
To which Russell had replied; When an addict screams, it's only because they fighting their internal demons, the best thing to do Dave- as when a baby cries- is to ignore him, then he wont do it when he doesnt have to. If you need me to come over, I will. Hare Krishna x

Dave went into the kitchen, Noel was sat up against the dishwasher, holding his knees close to himself with his head lolled back.
Dave couldnt stand looking at Noel these days, ever since he died his hair black for Series 2, Dave saw him a different way, he thought him to be the most beautiful man on earth but he never in a million years thought they'd get together, and they did.
But ever since he started doing drugs, Noel Fielding had just, sunk into himself. He was a wee slip of a man to begin with, now there was hardly anything left of him, most of his clothes were baggy which puts it in perspective.
"Do you want Russell to come over?" Dave asked, but it only made Noel angry.
"He's not fucking Jesus Dave! He cant fix everything! Just cos hes some Buddah worshipping... Sex addicted... Fuckwit! Doesn't mean he knows everything about everything else!"
Dave shook his head. "No but he's been through drug addiction and what's more he cares for you! But thats your problem isn't it? You cant see past anything lately, the people who you mean most to mean nothing to you! I cant believe how much I love you Noel. I do! Alright, and I'm terrified. I shit you not I am bricking it! I wake up every morning wondering where you're going to be or God forbid if you're still breathing!"
Noel stood up.
"Where are you going now!? I'm sick of you avoiding situations Noel! Why wont you talk to me?!"
Noel got right up in his face and asked "What are you going to do?"
What was he going to do? What could he do? Anything and everything he said seemed meaningless to Noel. He couldn't force him off the drugs, it was his own choice and Dave hoped sooner or later he'd realise how much he was ruining his life.
When Dave failed to answer, Noel wandered off, back upstairs.

Noel came back an hour later, when Dave was sat watching gorilla's on the Descovery Channel with his leg up on the sofa and a cushion under his knee.
"Is it hurting?" Noel asked, tugging at the cuff of his jumper.
Dave didn't even look up at him, he just nodded.
Noel walked to his knee and leant forward, kissing it softly almost childishly.
Dave's heart fluttered but he didnt want to say anything.
Noel cleared his throat and handed him a piece of paper. "I wrote another poem while I was upstairs." He explained. "I didn't write it on the wall this time.. A-And I.. I didnt take."
Dave looked at him for the first time and took the paper.
"I wanted to, I mean it was right there.. And I want it so bad.. But I didnt take it. And I had a shower and you didn't even tell me to."
Dave smiled weakly and opened the crumpled scrap of paper.
I like putting things into the cages of fans.
I like watching it spin madly out of control and fly out and land on the floor.
Because that's exactly what goes on in my head.
"Poems dont have to rhyme." the teacher said on July 21st in English.
But now I leave the classroom behind.
I sit crossed leg on yesterdays news in
View of you.
Seven-thousand minute empire and more and
You burn those candles right to the end.
The candles that smell like Germoline.
Clip clip up the highway;
"Are you going my way?"
Dave looked up at Noel, finally he spoke. "You need to see someone."
Noel shook his head. "For the record." Noel twitched. "I love you too."

Awwwww pooor Noel and poooor Dave

i think its rlly sweet at the end when Noel says i love you too

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwhah.
(':

Dave's poor knee!
lol

i love thisssssssssssssssss

xxxxxxxxx

me 2 its awesome

Title: I Am Terrified.
Pairing: Nove (Noel/Dave)
Disclaimer: I dont own the boosh. so please dont sue me i have so little to give.
Rating: 15+
Warnings: Drug use. Drug Addiction. Oral. Strong language.


Three: China Sorrows.


Noel paid a visit to China later that afternoon.
She was a tall, skinny half-caste lady. Australlian, very beautiful. But she was a girl with the attitude of a Don and the heart of an angel. She was Noel's dealer. She used to be a take off artist, but she started dealing good and properly not so long ago.
China her name was. China Sorrows. Of course it was a pseudonym, her real name was Sally Jacobs, but she never told that to anyone.
"Hey Charlie!" She grinned, as she saw Noel at the door, inviting him in. She called him Charlie because of his addiction. She was an addict herself, she usually went to Noel's when he wanted a hit but this time he went to her, and when he did that they tend to do drugs all night long, and then he'd go home when the morning came.
"You're bleeding." She smiled, wiping blood from his nose.
They both sat on the floor in her living room, curtains drawn with only candles for light.
"Pre-cut for you, babe. When you called, you sounded pretty desperate, I didnt think you'd wanna waste time.. What do you see?"
Noel took the banknote from next to the mirror. "The face of God." He didnt even stop to breathe before snorting up that first line.
China chuckled heartily and lit a cigarette, handing him a bottle of vodka. "Little flavour?"
Noel took the bottle and took a generous gulp.
"I just scored a load of china white.. If you're interested?"
Noel looked at her unsure.
She just smiled. "I wont force you. If you wanna stick to snow then thats fine by me."
Noel nodded, and checked the curtains were definately shut.

*

Noel wasn't 100% sure where he was, there was an obtuse smell of heroin smoke and vodka, as he focused on the tin foil frazzling as it cooled. He couldn't remember if he had done the H or not. He had a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Under further thought he realised that the strange feeling was pleasure, and that China was giving him head. He wanted to protest and say "Stop it lady, that's Dave's job!" but he didnt.
He knew in his heart that one day he and China would get together, be it long term or a blow job after a few lines and a bottle of vodka. But his heart belonged to Dave.
While China was busy between his legs, Noel started thinking. Mostly wondering why Dave stayed with him because all he was doing was breaking his heart but Dave stayed regardless. He got to thinking, he should spend more time listening to what Dave did say instead of focusing on all the things he never said.

Noel lifted up China's hand and did the last line on the back of it. "China." He coughed, trying desperately to keep it in focus. "China!"
She looked up at him.
"Take it out, I have to go."
She did as instructed. "Are you sure Charlie?" She asked, zipping up his tight jeans before licking the remainder of the cocaine off her hand.
Noel nodded and stumbled to his feet. A sudden rush to the head and a taste of blood in the mouth made him swagger backwards.
"You okay getting home?"
Noel nodded again and remembered he hadn't paid her and gave her a handful of banknotes from his pocket, not bothering to count it.
She kissed him goodbye on the lips.

When Noel got home everyone who knew he was on drugs was in the hallway waiting for him.
Dave Brown, Julian Barratt, Mike Fielding, Diane Fielding, Ray Fielding, Russell Brand and Dee Plume.
This only made his anxiety worse. "Wh-What's going on?" He started shaking.
Dave walked forward and made like he was going to kiss Noel but instead he locked the door.
"What are you doing?!" Noel panicked, his breathing getting heavier and heavier.
"It's called an intervention." Dave explained. "We're intervening."
"Fuck! Against what?!"
"You and the rest of the world. This addiction has to stop. You're not leaving until you've kicked the habit. You asked me earlier what I was going to do, well this is it."

GO DAVE!!
(':
he's the bestbestbest!

poor noel though.
kinda.

DAVEDAVEDAVEDAVEDAVEE!!

xxxxxxxxxxx